Bule on moped
I know, I know, expats in Bali are such an easy target laugh, but still ... like I've just returned from a too long "three days' stay, I have some questions for them.
First, I wonder if you guys know that Bali is an island that belongs to the Indonesian archipelago and not a new independent country? I should mention that because when I am in Bali and I meet expatriates, they seem horrified that I can share my life between Yogyakarta and Jakarta. I do not even mention that I stay in Semarang, Jepara, Malang, Blitar and Kediri same ..! Guys, try to get out of Bali sometimes, to see that we can buy cheese, wine, butter, bread, salt and pepper! Rice fields in Ubud (you know the one that tourists blend with the Colosseum in Rome)? In Java, you can find the same every two kilometers, bigger, nicer and quieter! "Potato head" lounge existed in Jakarta before the Bali (Mr J confirm) and Canggu Club is not a new concept - this kind of "white military camps" existed in South Africa in the 60 Furthermore, it is somewhat useful in a country that welcomes you to know more than two words of Bahasa ago. so let's be clear. Java is not a suburb of Calcutta OK? I know, I begin an aggressive and arrogant manner, but as I am French, this would not be true her if I started in a polite.
I still need some answers of my expatriate Balinese friends. so, could you explain to me why need women to Western residents average age of Bali while driving an old Honda motorcycle Tiger, without helmet, with a miniskirt gipsy, with a kind of very dirty sleeping bag hanging on their shoulders, some dragon tattoos and sharks on their legs uncovered whole, with no bra (this should only happen if you look like Ursula Andress in the 60s), terrible flops and Brazilian dirty mark, two or three kilos of wooden bangles, long and curly haircut that make them look as dirty as some old western homeless and on top of that they wear giant sunglasses that only correspond to the eyes of aND. it may be the reason you do not wear a helmet ladies, because he can not stand is ... stupid I am. So my first question.
This whole mess, is it a "style" or not should you bother to be seen as half mad by the local population? OK, I'm not the coolest man on earth, even after Mike Brant and Frank Sinatra, but still, make an effort to please! You're not in Disneyland!
So you guys and young girls surf, this is for my Australian friends. I assume you've worked so hard to shape your body like that. Can you imagine if you crashed on Sunset Boulevard with your "bike carrier surf extension" and no protection? I am not asking you to wear ski equipment with gloves and ski blond fur boots goat, but the minimum guys! In which country do you dare to drive at high speed on a road, half naked? Also, I was in Australia not long ago and I went to many restaurants and strangely, it does not occur to me to eat or drink clotheless. So my question is ...
Could you please wear more than your "too low underwear" when you're in a restaurant, even among Mac D and all top restaurants range in Kuta?
Then, an American friend of mine invited me to a fancy "bar / club / lounge / St-tropézienne / / no need Ibizanian / Disneylandian / expensive / loud interesting" near Petitenget. We were surrounded by hundreds of foreign men of middle age. I'm still quite "unfashionable" at all, so I started by subscribing Irish coffee while guys commanded a few cocktails crazy and colorful. something very big, with some fireworks on top that make them extremely excited as they cried like young girls when the bartender another. These old guys beside me were drunk and push me from the middle to the far side of the bar without my consent. So as I was pushed and pushed, I had no choice but to move to the corner of the room. I stumbled a bit stupid that I lost my friend Debora (who seemed much more comfortable and famous than me there, as she is a relative of the owner). I must admit that I am surrounded by fantastic beautiful local women who have been definitely selected to face the next Miss Universe. Not one of them spoke or looked at me or even say hello! I do not blame them .. I was standing in the dark corner of the room next to the toilet and was so excited that finally I was pushed into the toilet. The only girl who kindly spoke to me was the staff toilet.
She said: "I do not think you should stay here, hide my little basket where people give me advice"
It was true, I'm almost forced to sit on his little table at the entrance to the bathroom. I find this charming person came from Magelang (a small "soooo" dangerous cities in Java) and we had a nice conversation about his city and some antique dealers we knew fluently. Suddenly I felt I had a friend in this place because Debora me completely forgotten and was hysterically dancing on the bar (yes Debi, did not deny ago). during these 30 minutes from loneliness, I had time to see and hear all these guys who were basically my age.
So I would like to say a word to all those old Western males who live in Bali. We are not getting any younger, right? most of us are not spectacularly beautiful or attractive, most of us are overweight, drink too much and hairless. The consequence of this alcohol abuse (25 US fools cocktail fire artifice dollar) is that the guys have become completely mad, to the point where you seriously believe that all these young and sexy local ladies are on their way down in love with you! You even try to dance with them in a way that when I was 15 and ly drunk I would never dare to do (I did it once with Catherine Dumoulin who never spoke to me after this glorious event). Seriously guys, remember it 25 years ago, who you were falling in love? A 55-year Irish overweight lady attacked by whiskey? I bet your answer is NO, I suggest you just one thing. The next time one of these young ladies and handsome flirting with the bar and ask him directly:
"darling, as you can see, I am old, very big and I was drinking too much. my BCA account is empty and immigration chasing me now. Do you think you could hide me and feed me for a few months in a boarding room? "
If she says" yes "then send me an email sebastienlaurent@hotmail.com and I offer you a nice weekend in a five star hotel, somewhere in Sanur No risk is ..
That night, I brought Debbie back, completely unconscious, to his villa. Finally, I landed in Java, the next day I went to my rice field, took a piece of local chocolate, a glass of wine, sitting, looked around this incredible natural landscape and my energy returned back.
Bali is not for me ..