most people like massages and spa treatments, but I'm not one of them. All these "SPA-aholics', dependent women, always try to explain to me how good and healthy spa. Balinese spa architectural style was spread all over the world, which means you can find the Bali spa in the middle of nowhere, as in Devon in the UK, in the Alps in France or in the Black Forest in Germany!
When I saw the thickness of branded towels, quality bathroom equipment, BOSE audio system and baskets full of expensive orchids adorn this mess, then I suddenly understood me as SPA means "super Profit access."
My first opinion on all these Balinese spas is that they were created by Westerners for Westerners (and I still think). I come online for the most luxurious and expensive in Jakarta ... the best, the top ... the spa (I will not tell you the name because I'll have serious trouble with the powerful global brand that own it place). the entrance to the spa is like a rich and modern Singaporean bank, full of inscriptions stainless steel on the walls. You will be welcomed in a stunning lobby Bulgari Hotel always tries to copy. Then they insisted to give me a cup of "organic tea from the Indian fair trade imported green." As I hate tea and "fair trade" is already a nonsensical combination of words, I asked if I could have an "Italian espresso unfair. "the face of the front desk manager went from" nice "to" are you crazy? "I cursed as if to say the word" coffee ". God thank you, I had not even asked if I could get a smoking or Bakso soup.
Then I went to number two phases: It meant some waiting in "Le Corbusier" comfortable leather sofas, trying to enjoy this green tea, looking around these amazing clients. A herd of over-year rich ladies who were playing a game called "How Killy Hermes bags can put us on a coffee table? Because yes, the ladies have the same bag and is apparently very important to show them on a coffee table! It seems that the "tan one 'was the winner, and this color is very rare ...
I could not hear their conversation, but words that went something like this:
"Singapore cup (haircut is very important for wealthy Indonesian ladies and must reach, in a form of a wedding chocolate cake, at least 50cm above the head. you remember Helen Sue in the television series Dallas in the 80s?), Paris, Christian Dior, Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Laurent, Sydney, Mercedes, Rolex, Senayan, Plaza Indonesia, cocktails, grand opening invitation, imported, Italy, Bulgari, Bali wedding, "and of course" Hermes "I. was happy not to have been invited to participate in their "Dead Poets Society".
At this point of my story, I've probably already lost 50% of my female clients in my shop, so we'll call me a brave man to write these lines:
what I did not like:
- Feeling like an old oily pedophile tied to a bed (yes, the masseuses were about the age of my youngest niece who is a very ... niece).
- For only having a choice of young girls Balinese slaves / homeless Javanese or big muscle guys and young. Please, do not think I would have preferred to be massaged by a toothless old grandmother of 78, but why not a 30 year old sexy girl wearing a nurse's uniform?
- The choice of music is horrible - Nepali mini bells symphony. And that operated throughout the massage. I saw the Buddha Bar CD sleeves -. The Dalai Lama should sue them for using the word "Buddha"
- Having my head inserted into a small hole too hurt me throughout the massage and left a red circle on ridiculous my face for the next two hours!
- Have to look at these pieces of flowers in the bowl through the hole (never good to focus on the creation of the universe, the existence of God and all these disturbing thoughts that comes to mind when you see these wild flowers).
- Having to wear their "green book fair trade underwear" that even Brad Pitt would look ridiculous.
- The fact that I had to take a 30 minute shower and scratching all over my body until I was bleeding to remove five liters of oil for sponsoring body shop. "
- Losing my Blackberry because it fell into the bowl of water flower I tried to read my e-mails (through the hole) during the massage. My long arms were apparently not long enough to hold the entire bed.
- To hear comments masseuses gently chatting with each other (in Indonesian, unfortunately, I understand Indonesian) and it was something like this:
My masseuse: who are you massaging?
The neighbor masseuse. Old Australian woman who snored
The neighbor masseuse And you
My masseuse:. A medieval French guy who just dropped his Blackberry in the water bowl
The neighbor masseuse: Is he an idiot or what
My masseuse: I think so
what I liked:
- The fact that I will never go to a spa again.
- That I will open a spa soon as I had an hour to calculate the fees, in particular the benefits that I could generate from a Lazy therapy center.
- That I will revolutionize the bed of the spa by adding a larger hole in the head with a special pillow of water, two small holes for the arms, a mini-screen with sport channel, a tube cold beer TV that you insert into your mouth, a Paul Smith paper underwear (one that can adapt to a middle-aged body), white spirit bottles for shower, a smoking area, and a few hundred songs of the Rolling Stones, Lou Reed and Manu Chao.
Conclusion:
After an hour in the hands of these young Javanese girls dressed in Balinese, I must say that the spa was created by the West, is sponsored by the Body Shop and supported by MasterCard, Visa, Amex and all their friends! Honestly, I can understand that some people like those boring times they even call on "quality time" but I certainly did not get it as I am a French man grumpy. Then my last words will be, "Spa sucks."